“Sources”: No Funny Business Between Andrei Kirilenko and Mikhail Prokhorov

Originally posted to isportstimes.com on August 14, 2013

The Brooklyn Nets have been the talk of the NBA this offseason after acquiring Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Jason Terry from the Celtics to pair with Deron Williams, Brook Lopez and Joe Johnson to form a formidable contender to the Miami Heat in the Eastern Conference.

Perhaps just as important for the Nets was signing forward Andrei Kirilenko to a one year, $3.2 million contract with a player option for next year. Kirilenko’s ability to defend both guards and forwards makes his addition paramount for Brooklyn to keep Pierce and KG healthy for an extended playoff run.

However, the $3.2 million Kirilenko (I hate typing that name out, let’s go with AK47 from here on out) will make is a far cry from the $10.2 million option he declined from the Minnesota Timberwolves. Naturally, with this being the NBA and the Nets being owned by Russian billionaire/demigod Mikhail Prokhorov, the conspiracy theories started flying.

But that’s why I’m here. I’m here to set the record straight. Now granted, I’ve never met AK47 or Prokhorov, but I have been in contact with “sources” familiar with the situation. Now that we’ve established that, I can state unequivocally that there’s no funny business going on here. There are no under-the-table deals being made between the two parties, no conspiracy of which to speak of.

Now, you might be thinking, “how can I trust some crappy writer I’ve never heard of before to know such things?” To which I say, Hey! That’s not very nice! Despite that we’ve already established that I have spoken to “sources” with intimate knowledge of the situation, I understand your skepticism. In the pursuit of the truth, you want facts, and evidence and stuff. I have none of that. But rest assured, with the help of my “sources” I can still say that Prokhorov didn’t have to engage in any funny business to get AK47 to join the Nets. I can do this for one simple reason.

He didn’t have to.

No, according to “sources” close to the situation, when it comes to Mikhail Prokhorov signing AK47, there was no need for funny business. These “sources” tell me Prokhorov is not like your typically American multibillionaire. This guy made his billions in unregulated post-USSR Russia, where bribery and back-door deals were standard operating procedure. He’s like a mix of Jeff Bezos, J. Edgar Hoover, and a Soviet era James Bond villain.

My “sources” put it to me like this: AK47 just opted out of a $10.2 million option to enter free agency. Much to his dismay, potential landing spots were drying up fast. Panic began to set in, as he realized he might end up having to play for some godforsaken franchise like the Atlanta Hawks.

Then he received a phone call from an old pal, Mr. J. Edgar Bezos, former Soviet Era Bond villain, aka Prokhorov. According to “sources” privy to the discussion, the conversation started innocently enough, focusing on small talk regarding hockey and vodka (my “sources” are lacking on Russian stereotypes). But then the conversation turned serious. Prokhorov wanted AK47 to come play for him in Brooklyn. My “sources” inform me Prokhorov told AK47 that he couldn’t offer him the most money, but that he should still accept the offer.

My “sources” went on to tell me that Prokhorov is a man that does not take no for an answer, a man that will do whatever it takes to win. “Sources” with close ties to the negotiations also tell me he is as connected in Russia as Russian action hero/President Vladimir Putin. According to these same “sources”, it was clear to AK47 that if he can make Prokhorov happy, Prokhorov will ensure that he never has a worry the rest of his life. More importantly, my “sources” also inform me that if you just so happen to piss this man off, well, let’s just say the Russians aren’t exactly known for their forgiving nature.

All things considered, of course AK47 was going to sign with Prokhorov. You don’t have to know well-informed “sources” like I do to see that it didn’t take any funny business for Prokhorov to land AK47. That’s because Prokhorov is the definition of funny business. When funny business is the only type of business you engage in, it is no longer funny, it’s just business.


About PapaBearJere

Jeremy Klein is an unabashed Cleveland Sports fan who only wants to see a Cleveland team win a title. You can follow him on twitter @PapaBearJere or email him at thenarrativeblog@gmail.com.

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